Dear Chloe
by BlueMeansILoveYou
Summary: We follow Beca as she puts down her feelings following Chloe's death. The next 99 days prove to be critical. WARNING! Trigger warnings for self-harm and suicide.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

Dear Chloe.

You've only been gone for 2 weeks, but it feels like so much longer. It feels like years since I last saw your beautiful smile, your fiery hair, those blue eyes that always enchanted me. You're impossible to forget. I don't really want to forget.

The girls are worried about me. I'm worried about me. My dad convinced me to go to a therapist, to at least give it a try. Like when I first joined you and the girls as a Bella. My shrink, Heather, thought writing down my thoughts would be a good way of coping with this. I have to let her read through this every week, which feels really weird.

She never actually told me how to write this, so I'm writing it to you. It feels wrong not to let you know what's going on here, how we're all dealing with this.

So, I think I might just start with the day you left us… the day I found you.


	2. Day 1

**Day 1.**

"_Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." _

When I woke that morning, something definitely seemed off. You'd usually be in the kitchen, and I would be able to hear you moving around, quite possibly drop a pan or a skillet. You've always been quite clumsy. Also, the familiar smell of freshly brewed coffee wasn't seeping in under the closed bedroom door.

The whole apartment was unusually quiet. When I finally managed to get my lazy ass out of bed, I was pretty unnerved. I mean, there should have been some sound by now, not this heavy silence. My knees grew weaker under me, as I searched the flat for you, or even signs of you. I tried to convince myself that you'd just left early for class at the university, but I knew you would have left a cup of coffee for me on the kitchen counter. You always do… did.

I literally fell to my knees when I found you.

I will never be able to erase that image from my mind, the image of you lying on the floor, an orange prescription bottle next to you on the floor. I remember grabbing you, holding you close. And crying. So much crying. You were so cold, Chloe. You were always so warm before, when you'd hold my hand or cuddle me on movie nights.

I don't remember calling an ambulance, but I must have, because within 10 minutes, you were ripped from my arms by medics in bright green clothes. I tried to follow, but I was held back. It took me awhile to realize who it was, holding me back that is, but it turned out to be Fat Amy. Aubrey, Stacie, CR and her, told me that I had called them all in panic, and that they had arrived along side with the ambulance.

It was CR who managed to keep it together for long enough to pack us all into her car and follow behind the ambulance. I can only imagine what a mess I must've been, crying my heart out in the backseat of her old, purple Ford Escort.

I don't blame you, Chloe, I never will. I blame myself.


	3. Day 2

**Day 2.**

"_It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone." _

Your whole family was there, and Chloe, I know you told me that you had a big one, but it was just insane. They barely fit into our apartment, as they crowded inside it along with all the old Barden Bellas. There were so many tears, it was hard to figure it which were your own. I'm sure most must've been mine though, I don't remember ever crying that much. Your mom held me tight, Chloe, and I cried even more. I couldn't help it, you just look so alike. When I was gathered in her shaking arms, my face practically forced into her hair, the oh-so-gorgeous red hair that she gave you too, I wished it was you holding me. I still wish you could be here. I miss you so much.

We all went to the hospital to see you. Imagine the faces of the nurses at the main desk as thirty something people marched in, half with hair to match the sun, demanding to see the same person. We should have noticed the look on their faces, the sympathy so easily seen in their eyes. But we didn't. It wasn't until we saw you being wheeled to the morgue, all but your head covered in a thin, white sheet, that we realised why we couldn't see you.

It was just too late.

I'm glad you weren't there to see what happened next. I hardly believe I really did what I did to this day.

I threw myself onto the gurney, Chloe. I wanted to keep you with us, with me. It was so selfish, so stupid, I see that now. But I just couldn't, wouldn't, let myself believe it was the last time I would see you.

You should see everyone, Chloe. Everyone who was even remotely close to you are hurting, so much. No one hardly ever smiles anymore. I miss your smile. You're coming back, right?

We need you here, Chloe. I need you here.


	4. Day 3

**Day 3.**

"_Though I knew in my mind that others had felt such loss, this loss was mine, and I felt that no one would ever understand it, and to try to explain the loneliness and pain I felt would be futile." _

It was so quiet. In fact, most days after we lost you were. There just weren't any words to say, there still isn't. No one knew what to do, how to go on with their lives. So we opted not to. The Bellas and I were in our flat the whole day, silently supporting each other.  
None of us actually acknowledged it, but we didn't refer to ourselves as the Bellas, not even once. It didn't feel right, it still doesn't. Without you, there'll be no more Bellas. I can't recall the last time we last sang together. It's been so long, Chloe. We all miss you. Especially Aubrey. She likes to play the role as the strong, calm voice of reasoning, always has, but you know that. But I think she's the only one that hasn't stopped crying yet. I like to think it has made us closer, me and her, that we've bonded over our mutual sorrow. Just a shame it took you to leave for us to connect.

The whole third day was wasted on our own pitiful thoughts, and wondering how we could move on without you.

I miss you so much, Chloe. Please come back.


	5. Day 4

**Day 4.**

"_How easy it was to lose everything you had always thought you'd have forever." _

The fourth day was the day I found your note. I couldn't force myself to share it with anyone else though. I read through it so many times, Chloe, I remember it by heart by now. I still read it occasionally. Each time I can feel tears on my cheeks, in my eyes, as I just look at your handwriting. It's bubbly, in a strange way. Yet it's neat, containing a weird kind of happiness. I wish it was a font you could use on your laptop, that way I would have one more thing to remember you by. Even if I might never get a job again, turning in my CV with a childlike font.

Your mom stopped by to visit that day. We had tea. Can you imagine that, Chloe? Me and your mother, drinking tea at our coffee table? I used to dream about it happening in the future, but never like this. It's been weird, Chloe, seeing our coffee table without the usual boxes of chinese takeout scattered on it. There's rings left behind from glasses, now that you're not here to remind me that I should use the coasters. You even got me those nice coasters, the ones with the music nodes, remember?

Of course you remember, you always made such a big deal about remembering. I didn't get it, but I think I do now. You remembered the message behind those coasters, just like I remember you.

People have been texting and calling a lot. They all say you were too young to die, Chloe. And I agree. I don't know why you did. Well, I do, I'm just trying to understand it properly.

I showed your mom the note Chloe. She cried, so much, and it was as if every tear she cried, dropped more weight onto my shoulders. I'm the one to blame, after all.

I'm so sorry, Chloe. It's all my fault.


	6. Day 5

**Day 5.**

"_When love dies, the heart's ashes do not leave on the wind—they rest on the mantelpiece of the soul, darkening the sunrise we once saw to be beautiful." _

We began making the plans and arrangements of your funeral that day. I'm still not sure if it was a little too early, or maybe a little too late. All I know is that I had to be as strong as I could, like I'd been trying to do so far. I don't know if you realize this, Chloe, - and I'm not trying to make you feel guilty - but it's so hard to continue without you. And it feels so horrible to be planning your burial. I made sure you only got a small stone, like you asked me to, should you go before me. I don't know if you remember, but you told me that if it was a small stone, you wouldn't have to move as much when you needed to get up and stretch your legs. Thinking about that just now, might be the first time I've actually smiled since… and the smile's gone.

Anyways, no one actually wanted to start planning your funeral. It makes it all seem so much more real. I can't help but think, that when we lower your casket into the ground, all hope of you coming back to us will be gone.

I got you a nice casket too. Some of the others insisted on a pink one, but I wanted something more tasteful. It's blue, Chloe, nearly matches your eyes. But it's darker, more fitting, since it's a pretty dark occasion. God, I miss your eyes, Chloe.

I miss the way you look at me too. I wonder if anyone appreciates your eyes where you are now. I hope so.

I hope you're happier, Chloe. You deserve that much.


	7. Day 6

**Day 6.**

"_My insides feel like they are crumbling like a towering JENGA game. I lose."_

Stacie, Fat Amy and Aubrey came over that day. I didn't mean for it to happen, but they found the note. Aubrey found it, actually. I had left it on the kitchen counter, foolishly thinking that it'd be lost between all of the letters and bills I had been ignoring. Yeah, that's been going wrong since you left too. Aubrey had a fit. She stormed around the flat, shouting at me. Blaming me. And I get it, I really do. I still blame me too. She told me I was selfish, and that she wished I was gone instead of you.

Fat Amy and Stacie tried to get her to calm down, but she was beyond furious. I've done a lot of shit to make her angry with me before, but I think this is the worst. She might hate me now, and again, I don't blame her. I try not to hate myself, for your sake, Chloe. I know you would hate me if I did, and then I'd hate myself more for making you hate me… it would just be one mean cycle really.

I try not to let the whole Aubrey thing get to me, and Stacie, Fat Amy, and CR have been great. Lilly also stops by once in awhile. Everyone seems to be doing so much better than me, and I know I shouldn't, but I feel so ashamed that I just can't get my shit together. I'm pretty pathetic without you here, Chloe.

Couldn't you come back, if even just for a day, and convince me that everything'll be alright in the end?

Stacie and Fat Amy left soon after. They told me they weren't angry, that I knew no better, but I know they weren't being sincere. They were mad too, I could tell. I'm mad at myself too.

Chloe, is this going to be okay?


	8. Day 7

**Day 7.**

"_She took a step and didn't want to take any more, but she did." _

A week, Chloe. It was so little time, but it felt like an eternity. I don't think I slept at all that first week. I don't know, I think I was too tired to fall asleep. Maybe I was scared I'd fall asleep and dream of you. I don't think I could take that, my dreams about you have always been so real.

I spent this day much like the others. In silence. The difference was, this time I was alone. I wish I could say that I tried to do more to help myself move on, but you know I was never any good at lying to you. I missed you so much Chloe. I spent all day watching old Bellas performances and all the videos I have that contain you. I think all of the pictures I have of you are forever burned into my skull. It's not a bad thing though, I never want to forget you.

I'm still so, so sorry, Chloe. I never wanted to hurt you.

I hope you forgive me, Chloe. I know I never will.


	9. Day 8-12

**Day 8-12.**

"_When one person is missing the whole world seems empty." _

I decided that I could just put these days in as one entry, since nothing really happened. Aubrey still wouldn't talk to me, and I hate to admit that I miss her. She seemed to get the pain I was feeling without you here. All the other girls try to talk to me, but I was getting distant, Chloe. I never really spoke.

I spoke to you. I think it scared them, how I'd walk around our apartment, talking to you as if you could still hear me. As if you were still here. I wish you were.

Please come back, Chloe. Please.

**Day 13.**


	10. Day 13

**Day 13.**

"_A funeral is no place for secrets." _

It was the day of your funeral. I remember when your grandfather died, and you told me you hated funerals. You said they reminded you of your own mortality, which you never liked. You liked to live life to the fullest, and that didn't include thinking about death. And as I stared into the deep, black hole you would soon be disappearing into, your words came back to me. "Death is nowhere in the future, Beca. I want to think about death as much as I want to live the rest of my life in a box". Yet there you were.

It wasn't an open casket. Your family and I all knew how much you hated people seeing you when you weren't decent. To be honest, I was glad I couldn't see your face. I don't want to remember the pale, expressionless version of your face. I want to remember when you would smile at me, or wink with one of those beautiful eyes. I want to remember how adorable you looked when you would have fallen asleep on the couch, and greet me with fluttering eyes and pouting lips when I'd wake you the next morning.

I know you always saw me as strong, Chloe. But I wasn't that day. I cried again. When they lowered the coffin into the hole, I almost ran forward to stop them. The others held me back. I remember sobbing into Fat Amy's shoulder. I also remember the look Aubrey sent my way. I still have trouble deciding whether it was one of disapproval or one of sympathy. It might have been a bit of both. I'm so sorry I couldn't be strong at your funeral, Chloe. I know you wouldn't be disappointed in me, you never were, but I am. I wanted to be strong, I wanted you to think I was doing my best to move on.

It was such a long service. Afterwards everyone held each other tight, taking turns in comforting each other. I think I hugged a couple of strangers that day. You know how I am about my personal space, but I couldn't care less at that time. I just needed something to ground me. I hugged your brother, and your little sister. She looks so much like you, Chloe. She's beautiful.

I hugged your mom for the longest. And when I did, she told me something, and I really hope she wasn't lying.

"She loved you, you know."

I really hope it's true. She walked away from me before I could respond. I had to be forced to the car by Stacie, and I resisted. I didn't want to leave you. I visit you every day, Chloe. It's just not the same.

I feel so empty now, Chloe.


	11. Day 14

**Day 14.**

"_'Better to have loved and lost,' my ass._

_Anyone parroting that little platitude had obviously never lost anyone of consequence."_

I really didn't want to go to therapy. You know I hated when people invaded my privacy, asking questions I didn't want to be asked. You were the exception though. Heather told me she knew this had to be hard for me, but if she really knew how hard, she wouldn't ask about it. It still hurts so bad, Chloe. I hate how she asks me what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling.

Isn't it obvious that I feel like crap? That I'm thinking that I should be the one beneath that stone? I think it is. But now I'm putting my thoughts down here, in this journal. It's pretty strange, I never had one as a kid. Everyone else did. I know you did, because you let me read it. You told me no one else had read it before, but that you wanted me to.

I never got the whole thing about writing down your feelings and thoughts. I do know though. Sometimes when I write, it's like you're here, looking at me. It's not scary, like I thought it would be. It's comforting.

It's weird, Chloe. It kind of helps.


	12. Day 15

**Day 15.**

"_She had left me thirsty and all my life would be thirst and longing for what I had lost before I found it." _

Here I am then, present day. I feel strangely empty. It's like there's a hole in my heart, shaped like a tiny you. I guess losing someone so important will leave you feeling empty though. Heather, the therapist, she read through this yesterday. I think she's disappointed. She told me this isn't what she meant when she asked me to write down my feelings. She asked me to stop writing these entries, but I told her that it's actually helping. That the comfort I get from writing to you is helping. It feels as if you're with me, reading every tiny word I jot down on these pages.

I didn't do much today, honestly. Fat Amy came by, and we watched a movie, trying to return to something similar to the days before we lost you. CR called to check on me, ask how I was doing. I think I responded with an empty laugh and some sarcastic remark, but I can't bother to remember the exact quote. I know she isn't angry about it, she knows that's something I do. You never took my shit, Chloe. I've never told you, but I think you know that I liked how you'd put me in my place.

There's still no word from Aubrey, and I'm starting to fear that she'll always be angry with me. I wish you were here to help smooth things over.

I just wish you were here in general, Chloe.


	13. Day 16

**Day 16.**

"_I want to talk to her. I want to have lunch with her. I want her to give me a book she just read and loved. She is my phantom limb, and I just can't believe I'm here without her." _

I went out for coffee today, Chloe. I ordered the caramel frappuccino, like you used to do. I still don't get why you liked them so much. I think all the added ingredients take away from the natural taste. You know I've always liked it black… I can just imagine you making a dirty joke at that sentence. I miss that so much.

I thought I would miss the big things about you. I do, believe me. I sat there, at that coffee shop, trying to freeze the best memories of you in my mind. To my surprise I remembered things like that one instance where you removed a piece of thread from the front of my shirt. The way you knitted your eyebrows, the security with which your hand reached out for me, everything. I remember scenes from our daily lives, like maneuvering around each other in our tiny kitchen. How you'd always be patient when I was in the bathroom and you needed to use it.

I know that you wouldn't want me to dwell this much on the past, Chloe. You'd want me to get up and out. Move on with my life. But it's so hard, you know?

Why can't you just come back? I need someone to have coffee with, to argue about the newest music with. Scratch that, I don't need someone to do all that we used to do with. I need you to do those things with, again.

I'm going crazy, Chloe. My head hurts.


	14. Day 17-20

**Day 17-20.**

"_When Death laughs, no one else does." _

I apologize for not having made any separate entries for the past three days. I've just been so tired. I guess you won't be tired anymore, now that you're in a state of never ending sleep. I don't know. Some people say that's what awaits when our lives end. Some say it's not even sleep, but just darkness. I hope you're not alone in darkness, Chloe, I know you'd hate that. You always hated the dark. Remember when I bought you that night lamp? The one shaped as a heart? I do remember giving it to you. I recall you laughing, telling me I was a sweetheart as you rewarded me with a kiss on the cheek. I loved when you used to do that. Kiss me on the cheek, that is. I'm not a sweetheart.

Anyways, I hope you're not in the dark. I hope there's a heaven, and that you're up there, harmonizing with the other angels. I used to tell you that your voice was like an angel's. I hope you can still sing wherever you are. I like to think that you're my guardian angel now.

As I wrote earlier, I've been tired. I haven't left bed these past days. I have my laptop to accompany me. I've been mixing a lot. I'm glad you can't hear it though, you wouldn't like it. I know you've always liked my mixes, but these are much too depressing. They're lacking the happiness you usually had me depositing into my music.

Fat Amy's been stopping by a lot lately. She's usually really good at making everyone smile, and I think she's trying even harder to make me smile recently. I appreciate it, I really do. I just don't know if I can ever smile again, now that you're not here to laugh along side me. You had a beautiful laugh.

I've lost my music, Chloe. I've lost you.


	15. Day 21 & 22

**Day 21 & 22.**

"_It isn't easy when life tears away the one person in a million you thought you could always trust." _

CR stayed over for the past two days. She's been sleeping on the couch. It feels nice to have someone in the apartment with me, it makes it seem much less empty. Now you're not the only person I see around here. I think I might have some of the others stay over more often. Is that alright with you? I'm just pretty sick and tired of feeling so alone.

Aubrey called. She apologized for blowing up on me, and I told her I would have done the same. I don't know if I would've. She says she gets why I hid the note from them, that she doesn't blame me anymore. I apologized for hiding it. I know, I never apologize for anything. I think Aubrey and me might finally be heading towards peace. I wish you were here to see it happen.

I broke up with Jesse. I did it awhile ago. The day I found you, actually. I haven't had the courage to put it down in writing till now, and for that, I am sorry. You deserved to know about it.

It's strange, isn't it? Had you stayed one more day, we could have been happy. I wish you had been able to hold on.

Hold on tight, Chloe. One day we'll reunite.


	16. Day 23

**Day 23.**

"_Letting go is the lesson. Letting go is always the lesson. Have you ever noticed how much of our agony is all tied up with craving and loss?" _

Therapy is torture. Heather insists that I stop writing, that it won't help me. She wants me to let go. Let you go. But if I stop writing, it feels as if I'm betraying you. I won't.

I can't let you down again, Chloe.


	17. Day 24

**Day 24.**

"_There are no words for so much loss, not right after it happens." _

Heather asked to see the note today. I don't know why she's been avoiding the subject for so long. I was starting to hope she wouldn't mention it at all. I cried. I hadn't cried in front of her before, Chloe. But I cried as I gave her the note, and as I watched her read it. Is it weird that I carry around that note? It's just a crumbled piece of paper, right? Stained with my tears, and your tears. Yet, that little piece of paper burns a hole in my pocket, a constant reminder as to why you're gone. I can't let it go.

It's one of the few things that remain of you.

Do you think it'll ever be okay, Chloe? I don't.


	18. Day 25

**Day 25.**

"_If love could die with death, this life wouldn't be so hard."_

It's been awhile since all of the girls gathered together. We haven't done that since your funeral, actually. We all sat around the living room of our apartment. Some were singing. Soft songs of love and loss. We sang some of your favorite songs in your honor. They wanted me to sing "Just the way you are", but I couldn't. It wouldn't feel right to take your part.

I wouldn't be able to sing it as well as you did, anyways. I used to tell you how your voice was one in a million, like you told me my talent for mixing was one in a million. I swear, no matter how hard we'd try, we couldn't sound as good as we did with you.

Your voice was so captivating, enchanting. Whenever you'd sing I would be able to focus on all but your voice, and the emotion with which you sang.

You loved singing. You made me love music even more than I already did. I asked some of the girls if they had any old recordings of your singing, but all said no. I saw Stacie talking to all of them though, and I'm sure she asked them to say that.

I think they pity me, Chloe.

Thankfully, I still have my own videos of you. There's so many. I've been listening to your music all night, from random videos of you and me at the mall, to recordings of all the performances we had together. I'll never get tired of hearing your voice. It seems as if this is the only way I will hear it from now.

I wonder, Chloe, if you're up there, wishing you could be down here.


	19. Day 26

**Day 26.**

"_...I'm tired of everyone looking at me with pity in their eyes. I'm tired of feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every damned day. I'm tired of waking up in the morning, and then remembering..." _

I went to visit your mom in Miami today. I didn't go to your house immediately, I spent a greater part of the day walking the streets. I imagined how you had walked the very same streets as a kid and as a young teen. I passed the library near your house, and I remember how you told me that you'd go rollerskating on the stairs by the entrance. That the librarian would try to make you go away by shouting threats and profanities.

As I roamed the streets, I imagined you there, holding my hand.

I forced myself to go to your house, and your sister greeted me with open arms. Your mom too. I had trouble getting her off me. I have to say, your mom sure does benefit from all those spinning classes.

We talked a lot. At first we tried to avoid the subject of you, which was hard, since you're all we ever had in common. Eventually, we had to talk about you. I asked them how they were doing without you.

They're doing their best, Chloe, don't feel guilty, but it's so hard on them. You shouldn't feel guilty. I should. When I told your mother as much, she told me I shouldn't put all the blame on myself, and if I did, I would have to leave.

I got up and went out the door.

I don't think she expected me to leave, as she followed me outside, attempting to call me back. I didn't stop moving till I was on the plane, on my way back to LA.

I cried so much on that plane. I received so many weird looks, both annoyed and sympathetic. I couldn't stop crying. It was only the remembrance of your calming voice that managed to soothe me, made the tears come to a halt.

You always knew just how to comfort me, Chloe.


	20. Day 27

**Day 27.**

"_The whole world can become the enemy when you lose what you love." _

I spent the entire day in bed, Chloe. I ignored all calls and all texts. I think most of the girls came by at different times, but I didn't respond to any of them. They'd pound on my bedroom door and beg me to talk to them, to let them comfort me.

I feel so guilty and so selfish, for putting them through even more pain. I just can't help it. I needed time on my own.

I just want my pain to end.

Do you think it ever will, Chloe?


	21. Day 28

**Day 28.**

"_It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt."_

When I emerged from my bedroom the next morning, in desperate need of a shower and some coffee, I found CR propped against the opposite wall, asleep. She looked so uncomfortable, the way she was sitting. She looked so tired, so helpless. I cried. I thought I had cried all I could, but I was dead wrong. It was my fault. In my pain, I had failed to notice how I was draining the life from the others. Why did I have to be so selfish?

My crying woke her. She rubbed her eyes and seemed like she was about to say something, but didn't. Instead she gathered me in her arms. She gives great hugs. Not as good as you, but good. I clung onto her for so long, and she didn't complain, not even once.

I felt her cry with me. I've never felt as close to her as I did then, and I felt my heart heavy with regret of not getting closer to her before.

There's so much I regret, Chloe.


	22. Day 29

**Day 29.**

"_Losing people you love affects you. It is buried inside of you and becomes this big, deep hole of ache. It doesn't magically go away, even when you stop officially mourning." _

Tomorrow it'll have been a whole month since that day. It seems so surreal. It feels as if it was just yesterday you were laughing with me, clinging onto me as the weight of your laughter became too much.

This really happened, didn't it?

God, Chloe, I miss your laugh.


	23. Day 30

**Day 30.**

"_When she died, all things soft and beautiful and bright would be buried with her." _

A month. For a month you've been gone. I thought it would have gotten easier by now, they all said it would have. Liars.

The girls and I spent the day in complete silence, a screwed up attempt at honoring you. I know you would have hated it, Chloe. You would want us to sing and laugh, but none of us wanted to. We turned of our phones, holing up in the tiny apartment. We didn't speak to each other either.

We watched movies all day, all night. I'm not sure any of us paid attention to time. We clung onto each other, sniffles echoing around the room as we cried.

We were a sorry sight to see, I'm sure of it. I think you realize that that's the closest I've felt to those girls in a long while.

You were close with everyone, Chloe. We all loved you.


	24. Day 31

**Day 31.**

"_I wanted to kill someone and I wanted to die and I wanted to run as far and as fast as I could because she was never coming back. She had fallen off the face of the earth and she was never coming back." _

I think, up until now, I still thought you were coming back. That you'd return. That you'd wake me up, and I'd discover that this was all just some horrible nightmare. You'd wake me up, and I'd tell you all about it. You wouldn't laugh, wouldn't patronize me. You'd comfort me, letting me cry into the warmth of your neck.

I'm starting to realize you're not really coming back though.

I had no idea what to do with myself today. I think the girls knew I would want to be alone, so no one called or texted. No one stopped by to check on me either. I appreciated it, even if it was slightly lonely. I think it was mostly because they were mourning by themselves too.

Do you remember when we bought that purple recliner for the living room? If you do, you probably also remember that I refused to use it, because I thought it looked horrible. Well, I haven't moved from it the entire day. Only when I had to get that six pack of beers from the fridge, and when I had to pick up the remote. I threw it when I accidently changed the channel to the one with the cooking shows you always watched. I can't remember if it was after three or after four beers that I dropped to the floor, bawling my eyes out.

I guess reality just sort of… hit me.

It hurts so much more when it's real, Chloe.


	25. Day 32

**Day 32.**

"_Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I'm heavy, like there's too much gravity on my heart." _

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror this morning. I got so annoyed by my own reflection, Chloe, I just snapped. I punched that mirror. You always told me that I knew how to throw a punch. I guess I really realized that when the glass broke beneath my fingers, effectively shattering my reflection with it. Then again, it might not be because I can throw a good punch in general. I don't remember ever punching something that hard ever before.

The pain was temporary, just like everything else is temporary. But this pain wasn't followed by numbness, by emptiness. It was followed by a sweet ecstasy. It was a pain I could control, and I enjoyed that. Much more than I should. I liked controlling something for once, instead of having it dumped upon me.

I was cleaning the cuts when CR walked in on me. She said she had heard a crash, when suddenly she stopped talking, eyes shifting between my face and my hand. I didn't know why she looked so unsettled at first, but was later informed that I had been smiling. She immediately forced me to my feet and dragged me to the hospital.

How come that a change of pain, if only temporary, made me finally smile again?

Can you explain that, Chloe?


	26. Day 33

**Day 33.**

"_I always thought of grief as a blow that took everything out of you. And it is like that. But it stays, past that first hard hit. It stays and blows its breath into you. _

_It's always there, reminding you of what you've lost. What's gone." _

They bandaged my hand at the hospital. I don't like it. I want to be able to see the cuts. They remind me of that abstract painting you hung in your bedroom. I think it's beautiful. I want to run my fingers along it, feel how it stings. I sort of like to think of it as some kind of symbol of my struggle to move on.

The girls don't get it.

They haven't left my side since CR found me. It's sweet of them, and I know they mean well. But I'm suffocating.

Did you ever feel like you were suffocating, Chloe?


	27. Day 34

**Day 34.**

"_There's a hunger in me, that only you can satisfy."_

I'm hungry, but the thought of food makes me nauseas. I can't bear the thought that I should get to eat, and you won't ever eat again. It's not fair. Stacie's all but moved into the apartment, and she tries to get me to eat. I have a hard time keeping food down though.

I've lost a lot of weight, Chloe. You know I was skinny before, but you should see me now. Everyone notices. I try to hide it by wearing baggy shirts and just generally staying away from other people.

I fainted today. Stacie said she found me unconscious in the living room, clutching onto one of your old t-shirts. They're all so worried.

I'm fine though. I really am. I'm just not hungry.

I guess I lost my appetite for life, Chloe. Is that what you did too?


	28. Day 35

**Day 35.**

"_You can't really force a person to stop grieving. I guess it's a natural process, it's just not as easy for everyone."_

I haven't been alone for the past 24 hours. One of the girls have been here constantly, making sure I don't do anything stupid, and that I eat. They're making sure I eat everything that gets served, and that I keep it down. It hurts my stomach, and I feel like I'm going to be sick at anytime. I'm not sure how much longer I can take the pure torture that eating has become.

It tastes so bland, Chloe. I can't bear more than a mouthful.

I was only able to write this because Fat Amy is in the kitchen, cooking up a storm. I appreciate them looking out for me, I really do, but I just need to be alone.

Is someone looking out for you, Chloe?


	29. Day 36

**Day 36. **

"_You can love someone so much… But you can never love someone as much as you miss them__."_

I'm not allowed to leave the apartment till I gain weight. They want to see me get healthy, before they see me do anything else. I think they've all realized that I'm really not handling this as well as I should be.

The girls keep telling me how sorry they are, Chloe. They think they didn't pay enough attention to my state the previous month. I told them I get it, that they had to grieve for themselves too. In truth, it has nothing to do with them, and all to do with me.

If only I had noticed what you were so desperately trying to tell me, you would still be here. Had I paid attention, you would still be here. It's as blunt as that.

I didn't hear you, Chloe. I'm so sorry.


	30. Day 37

**Day 37.**

"_You lost your innocence when you grew up, all right, everyone knew that, but did you have to lose your hope, as well?" _

My hands are itching, Chloe. Itching to relieve some of my pain. My hand keeps twitching, longing to break something.

I can't give in to that longing though. It's impossible when there's 4 pair of eyes constantly on you. Aubrey, Stacie, CR and Fat Amy have been watching me like hawks. They haven't left the apartment in two days, and I have a feeling they won't be leaving for a long time. They're pretty persistent.

I'd rather have you watching me, Chloe. Are you?


	31. Day 38

**Day 38.**

"_Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Well, not if you're separated by death. Then distance splits your heart in half and gives the useful half to your lost one, leaving you an empty shell." _

The girls found out that I've been skipping therapy and have forced me to go. They say it's the best thing for me, convinced that I need the help. They're probably right about me needing help, but I'm not getting it from this shrink.

I'm writing this in Heather's office. I can feel her looking at me through those horrible red glasses she wears. She's staring at me so intently, I'm almost afraid to look up.

She scolded me for the better part of an hour when I got here. She's mad I stopped coming and that I won't stop writing this. She thinks it's a horrible idea, that it's not good for me to be "communicating" with you. But she told me that since I wouldn't stop, I should just do it now.

She doesn't understand, Chloe. I just can't leave you behind like that.

You should have taken me with you, Chloe.


	32. Day 39 & 40

**Day 39 & 40.**

"_The dead are never truly gone. They linger in our minds and hearts and torture us with a malice they were not capable of in life." _

Heather took my journal last night, before I was able to write down what happened yesterday. It was a pretty uneventful day anyways, I guess you wouldn't have missed that much. I spent the whole day with Stacie and Aubrey, watching movies and playing board games. We didn't play Trivial Pursuit. I know that's your favorite. They suggested that we'd go to the park, but I'm not really prepared to leave the apartment yet, apart from therapy. I'm not ready to face life yet.

Now, today Stacie found my journal. She found it laying around the kitchen, much like when Aubrey had found your note. She asked me what it was, and I just snatched it from her hands, Chloe. I shouted at her to mind her own business. I didn't mean to. I know I crossed a line when she ran out of the apartment in tears. We're all still pretty fragile. Aubrey arrived minutes later, scolding me.

She told me to stop being such a selfish bitch. That they were all hurting too, that I wasn't the only one who missed you. She scolded me for taking my pain and frustration on all of them. Told me that they all just wanted me to let them help me. She told me to grow up.

I slammed the door in her face. I don't need her to lecture me, even if she's completely right.

I'm not ready to let you go, Chloe.


	33. Day 41

**Day 41.**

"_The day she left was the day I stopped caring if the world was coming to an end." _

I know me and Aubrey were in a better place, but she's now refusing to speak to me again. I think she's just really upset about what I did to Stacie.

I just keep hurting people, Chloe.

Like I hurt you, Chloe. Did I tell you I'm sorry?


	34. Day 42 & 43

**Day 42 & 43.**

"_That is the fear: I have lost something important, and I cannot find it, and I need it." _

Yesterday morning I woke up with a killer headache. Like after that new years party, remember? The one where we got wasted on tequila and you convinced me that bungee jumping was the best way to make sure I didn't get a hangover. Well, I don't even remember what happened the night before yesterday morning, I just know that I got absolutely wasted. I noticed something. There wasn't a glass of water and some advil next to my bed, like you'd usually put there when I got drunk.

When I left my room I found CR on the couch, reading the newspaper. When she saw me she put it down and smiled softly at me, patting the spot beside her. I stayed put where I were, standing in the doorway, looking like a scared crow.

She sighed. Such a heavy sigh, Chloe. It usually would have made me feel bad, but I couldn't bring myself to care. She asked me how I was feeling.

I'm not sure if I was still drunk, or if I had honestly just forgotten, but I certainly regret ever saying what I said next.

"Where's Chloe?"

I didn't get the dumbfounded look on her face at first, but then I realized what I had just said. You were gone. I had said it myself, so many times before. I don't think I believed it till now.

I fell, Chloe. I think the past few weeks finally broke me.

That's why I'm sitting in a hospital bed, writing this while chemicals are being transported through my body in thin plastic tubes. It's not like I need it though. I'm just tired. Yet everyone looks at me like I'm sick, like I'll disappear at any second.

Maybe then I could see you once more, Chloe.


	35. Day 44

**Day 44.**

"_Sometimes when you're hurt, you'll hurt others too."_

I saw my dad today, Chloe. I haven't seen him since the funeral, and neither of us have attempted to make contact. You know we never really got along. That's why you can probably imagine my surprise when I woke up to found him sobbing next to me, eyes on my thin, fragile body.

I told him not to cry, that I was fine, which only made him cry harder. I don't think I've seen my dad cry before. It felt so weird.

A nurse whisked him away before he could respond though. She said I needed some rest.

I don't need rest, Chloe. I just need you to come back.


	36. Day 45

**Day 45.**

"_Remembering. Forgetting. I'm not sure which is worse." _

I had a dream last night, Chloe. You were there. It's so strange, Chloe, I'm beginning to forget what you look like. Well, not what you look like, I have so many pictures of you. But what you look like when you'd laugh, when you'd fake pout at me to get your will. My memories of you were slowly fading, and hell if it didn't hurt like crazy.

I can't lose what I have left of you.

When I awoke, Aubrey was on the bed, tears on her face. She was speaking softly, but I couldn't really hear her. I managed to make out your name, my name, and what sounded a lot like love.

I don't think she realized I was awake.

Maybe they wouldn't realize if I disappeared either. I could join you, Chloe.


	37. Day 46

**Day 46.**

"_The ticking of the clock has gotten so loud."_

I'm trying to keep calm, trying not to freak out, I really am. Being stuck in this hospital is driving me crazy. Even if I insist that I'm fine, that I truly am better, they won't let me leave.

They say I'm too thin and too stressed. No wonder. Being kept in this small room, the ticking of the clock and the beeping of my heart monitor the only sounds, is stressing me out. I don't think I've ever been this stressed.

Maybe I'm just bored. Or restless. Or both.

Could you sing for me, Chloe?

I've always loved your voice, Chloe.


	38. Day 47

**Day 47.**

"_It's like a game where either team I lose."_

The girls suggested I stop mixing, after having heard some of the recent stuff I made. I get it. They told me it would probably be best if I let the station know that I won't be back for a while. They've suggested me to go spend time with my mom, my step-dad Brian, and step-sisters, back in Michigan. They say it'll help me heal. I don't have the heart to tell them that these wounds can't be healed.

It's not that I don't want to visit my mom and everyone else back there, I just don't feel good, knowing that I'll have to be gone from our apartment. I'm afraid the others will remove everything that will remind me of you. I can't let them remove every remnant of you, so that there'll be nothing left for me.

I can't be without you, Chloe.


	39. Day 48

**Day 48.**

"_Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." _

I've been convinced that going to Michigan is the best for me right now. It might have had something to do with the way my mom begged for more than an hour, crying, telling me how much she missed me. I guess it'll be good to get away for a while.

That's the reason I've found myself here, writing this entry next to my currently empty suitcase. I don't know what to pack, besides clothes. Maybe I should bring your favorite hoodie, the one from Barden. The soft, grey one, that you used to wear on days off. The one with the hole in the sleeve, where you'd stick out your thumb.

Maybe if I bring that with me, I can't fall asleep with a piece of you in my arms.

You don't mind if I borrow it, right Chloe?


	40. Day 49

**Day 49.**

"_Mad... empty... crazy... lost... dying... I was all of these things and nothing as well, because even though I breathed and moved, I was not alive." _

The airport is crowded and the noise hurts my head. I keep getting pushed as my dad guides me through the large mass of people. He's shielding me, protecting my fragile self. I thank him for that, because I don't think I'd be able to protect myself in my current state.

I'm a hot mess. I'm wearing your old hoodie, just like I said I would. I'm tiny within the large hoodie, but I don't care how ridiculous I must look.

I've left the flat - our flat, where we'd made so many memories. Memories that I will never forget, but that are slowly fading into a mere knowledge that it ever happened. We could have made more memories, had you only stayed longer.

As I step onto the plane and wave goodbye to the city that I've grown to love, a single tear slips from my eye.

I still cry every day, Chloe.


	41. Day 50

**Day 50.**

"_I wish escaping was easy. I wish one could just buy a oneway ticket out and disappear."_

After the short flight home yesterday, and the unpacking of my stuff, I've finally made myself at home in my old room. If you saw it, you'd probably ask me why I didn't tell you I grew up in the batcave. It's way darker than I recalled it to be.

My mom hasn't let me out of her sight, and I'm beginning to feel as suffocated as I was with the girls invading my breathing space. I love my mom, so much, but I really not time alone. Why don't people get that, Chloe?

My step-sisters are glad to have me back though. They woke me up this morning by piling on top of me and tickling me. It's the first time I've laughed in a while.

This might actually be good for me.

It won't fix things though. Nothing will, Chloe.


	42. Day 51-70

**Day 51-70.**

"_I wish I could just slip into someone else's skin."_

I am aware that this is a lot of days to put into one single entry, but I just didn't think I'd bore you by repeating myself. Basically, almost every single day was spent in the same way here. Nothing interesting really happened.

I'd wake up to the step-sisters pulling at my hair or my clothes, giggling into my ear that breakfast was ready. I'd decline every single time, much to their disappointment. I sort of regret not being more polite when I turned it down. It'd only be minutes before sleep was ready to take me again, but then my mom would usually burst into the room with a plate of food. She wouldn't leave until I had finished eating everything on the plate. Then she'd leave with a smile on her face. I guess it felt good to make her happy, but I would always feel terrible after eating. I'd be tired again, and would love nothing more than to go back to sleep. Of course, they wouldn't allow that. So, by noon I would always be out of bed, at the park with the girls, the shop with mom or with Brian at his auto repair shop.

Usually, I'd be with the girls though. They'd chatter happily and I'd walk behind them, hands stuffed into my pockets and a frown on my face. I kept wondering what it'd be like with you there, holding my hand, keeping me from my misery. Not that I don't like taking care of the girls, but, as you know, they can be quite a handful.

My family misses you too, Chloe. There's only been very few conversations about you, as my mom thinks it'll only hurt me more. I actually feel a little better when I talk about you. It feels good when your name leaves my mouth. It hurts too, but that doesn't matter. I'm not sure how to explain it, so I won't try.

Brian talked to me one day, asking me how I was doing. I told him I was fine, like I did everyone else, but he didn't seem to buy it. We sat for a long while, just talking about anything and everything. He didn't leave until he was sure I felt better. It worked for a little while. But it's hard to stay happy when you've got a nest of guilt tucked away in your chest.

My step-sisters have noticed the change in me, and it makes me feel terrible. My broken heart is making me hurt everyone around me, and I hate it. Yet I can't seem to stop it. The first couple of times they'd find me in a bad mood, they'd try to cheer me up and make me laugh with their cheesy jokes. Only that didn't really work, so now they just walk away as soon as they see me in a sour mood. It's like they don't know how to handle me anymore. I don't blame them though, I don't even know how to handle me anymore.

I gained weight during the visit though, and I'm getting back to healthy. Everyone's happy about that. I still feel empty though. The weight gain seems to have only added to the weight on my shoulders.

I don't know if this have given you much insight on the days gone by, but as I wrote earlier, they were very uneventful. The pain and loss did grow lesser for a couple of days, only to return full force.

Needless to say, it didn't help as much as everyone said it would.

You always knew how to help me, Chloe.


	43. Day 71

**Day 71.**

"_The dead sit at our tables long after they have gone."_

I'm on the flight back to Barden, and I have to say that I'm nervous. I don't remember being more nervous, not even at our first performance with the Bellas. Maybe that's because you were there, whispering reassuring words into my ear. I remember the way you smiled at me as the music started playing. I think you're the only reason I didn't pull a "Posen" that night. Still grateful for that, Chloe.

It's sad to think that I won't ever be able to sing with you again. To think that I'll never be able to snuggle into you in the middle of the night, whenever I couldn't sleep or I'd have a bad dream. You never made fun of me for that. I could always come to you for anything. I'm scared to return to our place, knowing you won't be there.

And what if they've changed it?

I just got home and I'm sitting on your bed. It's been left exactly as it was, and I am so relieved. I don't think I can even begin to explain it.

I'm glad I haven't lost any more of you.

Even though it's not enough, Chloe.


	44. Day 72

**Day 72.**

"_I felt like an integral part of my being had just been ripped out of me, only to have it replaced with something that did not belong." _

The girls came over today. It's the first time I've seen them in close to a month. I think they were disappointed. They expected more of a change in me. Probably a happier version of me. Or at least something closer to the Beca I used to be. Well - newsflash - I'm not going to be that Beca again. I've known that for a while now.

You took a piece of me with you, Chloe. And now I'm just a shell, filled with guilt and hate. I'm only part of what I was before.

Stacie, CR and Fat Amy hugged me for a while, crying tears of relief that I had gained weight. They said they were happy to see me, but I don't believe it. I'm not who they used to love, I'm just a stranger. As for Aubrey, she just hung back for a while, waiting for the others to finish bidding me welcome home. When they were done she hugged me as well. I think she cried the most.

I hate feeling like this, Chloe.


	45. Day 73 & 74

**Day 73-74.**

"_How much tragedy has to happen before I split wide open?"_

Nothing interesting happened yesterday. I spent all day lounging around our apartment, wearing your hoodie and the red sweatpants you usually wore on weekends. It feels good to wear your clothes, I just wish it would have happened under different circumstances.

Today I tried to fight the urge, but it was pulling at me much too strongly. It had been calling me for quite a while. I punched another mirror, this time with the other hand. My other hand is still covered in cuts, even if most have healed at this point. I was fascinated by the crimson flow down my hand, between my fingers, dripping onto the bathroom floor.

I just sat on the toilet waiting, waiting for the blood to dry out until I was left feeling nothing but numb. There was no pain, only a strange sense of calmness rushing through me, until I let my eyes draw closed and slipped into unconsciousness.

I really want to see you again, Chloe.


	46. Day 75

**Day 75.**

"_It reminds me that no embrace will ever feel the same again, because no one will ever be like her again, because she's gone. She's gone, and crying feels so useless, so stupid, but it's all I can do." _

I just realized that it's been more than two months without you, and that only makes this more real. Time isn't helping me heal so far.

I'm nothing but empty now. I live without a purpose and I feel like I have nothing left to give this crazy world.

The pain is never-ending, Chloe.


	47. Day 76

**Day 76.**

"_It's like I'd been walking a tightrope with a big safety net underneath me, but I never really thought about the net until someone took it away. And then every single step scared me to death." _

I got your note back out today. I had stuck it way back in one of my drawers in a futile attempt to hide it from myself. I just had to see your handwriting though, to read through the words I had come to know by heart, the words I spoke in my sleep.

I feel more guilty now than ever. I can literally feel the guilt seeping into my heart and my soul, and I haven't felt this bad in a very long time. The pain never left, but re-reading your note hurt me in ways I could never begin to describe.

Jesse is long gone; he's most definitely out of the picture. I haven't called or texted him since our breakup, and I'm not planning to. I feel so bad it took you leaving for me to realize what I wanted, what I had always wanted. I wish you would have just told me. I would have dumped him in a heartbeat. I know that sounds pretty harsh, but then again, we both know it's the truth.

I guess I should have told you too, but I don't think I was completely aware of these feelings back then. All I can do is blame myself though.

It's my fault, Chloe, it always will be.


	48. Day 77

**Day 77.**

"_There's no searchlight in the sky, pointing which way to go."_

I ran into your mother today. I have no idea what she was doing back, and I didn't ask. When she saw me she instantly fell into my arms, sobbing her poor heart out into my shoulder.

She told me how much more it hurt every time she saw it. She then pulled away before I could respond. I just stood in the middle of the street, mouth agape as I stared dumbfounded after your mother's disappearing back.

I simply assumed she was talking about your grave.

I can't imagine what losing a child like you feels like, Chloe.


	49. Day 78

**Day 78.**

"_I know now that we never get over great losses; we absorb them, and they carve us into different creatures." _

I didn't visit your grave yesterday, Chloe, I was just too scared. I realized I haven't been to your grave since the funeral, and I feel terrible. The guilt is eating away at me now, more than ever.

I feel so horrible. I feel completely, utterly horrible. I can't believe I've been so selfish. I've always been so damn selfish. I've always put myself before you, and I regret that so, so much, Chloe.

Here I am though, sitting at your grave. There's tears running down my face, and I'm doing nothing to stop them. There's so many flowers here, Chloe. They're all fresh. People love you so much. I brought a single red rose, I just hope it's enough. I didn't want to crowd the place, but seeing all these flowers at your stone makes me feel a bit pathetic.

I put it by your name anyways, right in the front. I made plans to stay here for a while, so I brought blankets and wine. White. Your favorite was always white, right Chloe?

I like that I still remember that about you, Chloe.


	50. Day 79

**Day 79.**

"_Sometimes, the loss of another person leaves us useless and without a purpose. That's when we know we've lost the one we needed the most."_

I woke up by your grave today. I realize I must have gotten drunk and passed out on the grass. I know you would've been disappointed in me. Sorry.

I think visiting your grave is going to be a daily routine. I promise to bring a rose to you every time. Then at some point, I'll at least be able to compete with all the other flowers left here. There's daisies, lilies and gardenias. I only recognize those because I remember you showing me some and letting me know that those were your favorite flowers in this entire universe. They're beautiful.

I sang to you today. I hope you could hear it wherever you are. I know how much you used to love hearing me sing, you told me all the time. It brings the memories flooding back to me, and I remember how your voice sounded the first time I heard you sing. I guess I'm one out of a few that can say Chloe Beale serenaded them in a public shower.

I'd love to say I only sang for you, but I didn't. Remember how I'd always hum when I was confused or sad about stuff?

I'm torn. I really am. I'm not sure what to do. I just need you to send me a sign, anything, to let me know that what I'm planning to do is the right thing.

I need you to let me know, Chloe.


	51. Day 80 & 81

**Day 80 & 81.**

"_It sucks that we miss people like that. You think you've accepted that someone is out of your life, that you've grieved and it's over, and then bam. One little thing, and you feel like you've lost that person all over again." _

I'm so sorry I didn't visit you yesterday. I wanted to, but Stacie, CR, Aubrey and Fat Amy seemed to have different plans. They dragged me along to the beach, even though I didn't really want to go.

It's still pretty cold and windy outside, but they seemed to think it's was fine, no matter what the weather was like. Truth be told, I hated it. So while they ran around in the sand, throwing a frisbee around, scouting for seashells, I just sat in the grass watching the waves crash against the shore.

It was so peaceful, Chloe. I was getting lost in the scene when suddenly I heard a voice speaking to me. Your voice. I could feel your presence next to me, and I could feel it when you wrapped your arm around my neck, leaning your head onto my shoulder. When I finally dared to look over at you, you were smiling that smile that always had my heart rate rapidly increasing.

"I love the beach, Becs. It's beautiful, right?"

I was too overwhelmed to give you an answer, and the sobs that wracked through my body made it impossible for me to speak or even move. The others noticed almost immediately, and rushed to my side. They carried me away, even as I screamed your name, begging for you to come back.

Today I have to spend the entire day with Aubrey, who offered to keep me under her wing for the night. I refused at first, but after much insisting that I was for my own best, I angrily agreed.

We didn't really do anything all day. We didn't talk much. We've never had much in common, except for you, and Aubrey refuses to speak about you. I think it's disrespectful, but I guess we all deal with grief in our own way.

I'm still so sorry I couldn't come, Chloe.


	52. Day 82

**Day 82.**

"_There's days where I still hear her, still see her. Those are the days I both love and hate. They make me miss her more, yet at the same time they remind me why I loved her so much."_

I swore I heard you sing today. Ironically enough, it was in the middle of my shower that I heard your voice as the softest of sounds through the air. You were singing along to the slow hum of music from my speakers. Your voice is so beautiful, and I felt myself instantly becoming entranced with it. I recognized the voice as yours the second I heard it.

You truly sound like an angel now, Chloe.

I finally visited your grave again. I brought three roses with me, two extra for the days I missed. When I sang to you, I swore I heard you sing along to the tune of _Everything Has Changed_. Oh, and damn you for getting me hooked on Taylor Swift. I remember how happy you were when you first caught me humming the tune of _Red_, and how you immediately burst into song.

I thinks it's time for you to come back now, Chloe.


	53. Day 83

**Day 83.**

"_Her voice was like a beacon, guiding me away from the rocks."_

The girls think I'm better. They think I'm moving on. Truth is, they don't know how I've been hearing your soft voice sing me to sleep at night.

Thank you, Chloe.


	54. Day 84

**Day 84.**

"_You can't just make me different and then leave." _

I saw you in my dreams last night. You were standing in the empty pool at Barden. I remember how you told me you had instantly felt at home the first time you saw the place. How you loved it so much, how it reminded you of all the good years you had spent at the university. I guess it made sense for you to be there.

You smiled at me and beckoned me closer. I of course complied. You always had me doing anything you asked.

When you took a hold of my hands, it felt so real, I almost didn't believe I was dreaming. I never wanted to let go. I never wanted the moment to end, even if it was just a dream. You leaned your face down towards mine and your soft lips brushed against the shell of my ear as you spoke.

"Come with me."

It was whispered, and I almost missed it. You pulled back for only a short while, before you pushed your lips onto mine, capturing my lips with yours.

I have never had a more perfect kiss. But it wasn't real.

So when I woke up without you by my side, it was only natural for me to cry.

How I wish it was real, Chloe.


	55. Day 85

**Day 85.**

"_They who do not care, do not have the right to know."_

I ran into Jesse today. It was pretty awkward. He's been doing great, not that that's surprising. I realize now that he's always been kind of selfish. I can't believe it took me so long though. He asked me how I was doing, but I suspect he couldn't care less.

He started talking about you.

I couldn't bear to hear him speak your name, so I left without another word.

He doesn't deserve having known you, Chloe.


	56. Day 86-88

**Day 86-88.**

"_But now the other half of "us" was gone and, lying there in my shadowy room, I'd be struck with this realization that I had no clue how to be just me again." _

There's not much I can say about these past days. I spend them all by sleeping. I know it sounds ridiculous and stupid, and you wouldn't like it, but I dreamt of you. It felt so good to see you, and I guess that's why I was so against waking up.

I just want to be able to see you and hear you, Chloe.


	57. Day 89

**Day 89.**

"_Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, how it holds you in place." _

CR called me today, asking if I wanted to go out and get lunch. My stomach rumbled in response, and I had to say yes. It was also a pretty great way to stop torturing myself with my recent dreams.

On the way to the restaurant, we passed the graveyard, and I asked CR to pull over. She gave me a weird look, but complied anyways. She then followed my rushing form out of the car and towards your grave. It was the first time visiting your grave with someone else, so I couldn't quite do what I usually did here.

Sorry.

I did manage to sing to you though. CR sang with me. Our voices echoed through the graveyard, bouncing of the stones around us. I hope you liked the song. I wish I could've sung to you alone though, so I think I'll stick to visiting you by myself.

The food at the restaurant was great, and I think I'm finally regaining some of my appetite. Not that I really matters now.

Does anything matter now, Chloe?


	58. Day 90

**Day 90.**

"_No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief." _

I visited my dad today, right after I had visited you, of course. I spent my entire day just lounging around the house, which probably surprised both my dad and the step-monster.

I hate to admit it, but it felt nice to be around them.

When I hugged my dad goodbye, yet another surprise to him, bidding my farewell to him, he held me close. He didn't want me to leave yet, and he made that clear when he begged for me to spend the night. I agreed.

I guess I might as well have the decency to spend some time with my family before I leave this place.

I hope I'll see you soon, Chloe.


	59. Day 91

**Day 91.**

"_For as long as the world spins and the earth is green with new wood, she will lie in this box and not in my arms." _

I spent most of the day at the park, sitting on a bench while reading this journal. I could hear kids playing around in the background. You always told me how much you wanted kids, Chloe. You told me you wanted at least two, because you thought it would be cruel to leave just one all alone when you passed. You wanted them to have each other. You left me all alone though. I'm not mad, I'm really not, Chloe. I was never able to be mad at you.

I've written a lot in this journal, Chloe, but it doesn't seem to be enough. It doesn't seem like it'll ever be enough.

When it was time to say my final goodbyes to my dad and Sheila, I hugged my dad so tight, I was sure he couldn't breath. For the first time since I was a kid, I told him I loved him. He seemed so surprised, and puzzled as to why I suddenly seemed to no longer hold a grudge against him. As he told me to come around again soon, I felt tears forming in my eyes and hurried out of there.

It was the last time I was going to see them.

I wonder if you want to see me Chloe.


	60. Day 92

**Day 92.**

"_Does it hurt more to leave behind, than to be left behind?"_

I made peace with Jesse today. I know how much you disliked him. Some might say you hated him, but I'm pretty sure you were incapable of hate. I know Jesse's part of the reason you left though.

I just couldn't leave without making sure I had mended every single bridge I might have burned in the past.

I'm doing this for you, Chloe. For us.


	61. Day 93

**Day 93.**

"_There's just no home here." _

I spend all day with the girls, watching movies and talking about old times. We didn't talk much about you, I still think they're trying not to for my sake. I felt bad, knowing that they would have to start their process of grieving all over, soon.

I did manage to squeeze in a visit to you. I brought you two flowers and sang to you, before I returned to our flat to join the others once more.

I'm going to miss them, Chloe.


	62. Day 94

**Day 94.**

"_I saw the world in black and white instead of the vibrant colours and shades I knew existed." _

CR, Fat Amy and Lilly insisted that we go out today. They convinced me that it'd be fun to go shopping and have lunch and just be together. I gave in.

I don't really mind, actually. The rest of my days are meant to be well spent.

Would you want to see me, Chloe?


	63. Day 95

**Day 95.**

"_I feel so lonely without you here."_

Where'd you go, Chloe? You didn't sing me to sleep last night, and you weren't in my dreams. Why is that?

Where have you gone, Chloe?


	64. Day 96

**Day 96.**

"_I'll start a new game, and hope that this time I might win."_

I went by the store after visiting you today. I grabbed a large bottle of pills and bought them without a second look to the cashier. If she had any idea what I was planning to do, she did nothing to stop me.

I'm going to go the same way you did, Chloe. I think I owe you that much.

We'll soon be together, Chloe.


	65. Day 97

**Day 97.**

"_Aside from myself, there was no sign of me." _

The urge to take the pills now is definitely there, but I'm not through living yet. Soon though. Today I called everyone important to me and let them know how much I love them. Most questioned it, since it's common knowledge that I'm not a very caring person in general. I didn't give them an explanation though. They'll know soon enough.

Later CR, Fat Amy, Stacie and Aubrey came over. We watched old recordings of us all and talked about everything and anything. I looked around at the four of them, and I tried to convince them how much I loved them and how happy I was that we'd met.

I really don't want to lose them, believe me. I know it'll be hard on them when I go. I'm ready though. I can't stand living without you anymore.

See you soon, Chloe.


	66. Day 98

**Day 98.**

"_There's nothing left for me to do here."_

I didn't do anything interesting today. I slept for the most part, and when I wasn't sleeping I was pacing around our apartment, preparing myself for tomorrow.

Don't go anywhere, Chloe.


	67. Day 99

**Day 99.**

"_And perhaps there is a limit to the grieving that the human heart can do. As when one adds salt to a tumbler of water, there comes a point where simply no more will be absorbed." _

I visited your grave one last time. I brought a couple more roses for you, to make up for the days I hadn't been there. Not that it was going to matter for much longer. I sang one last song to you. That song that we harmonized so naturally on back at Barden. The song that you so carelessly informed me was your "lady jam". I could finally hear you singing along with me. You sounded so close, and I knew it was time.

I'm going to take the entire bottle of pills and lock myself in your bedroom. I'll wear your hoodie so that I can inhale the smell of you when I breath my final breath.

Ninety-nine days without you have seemed like an eternity, and now it's time for us to be united once more.

I have my journal and your note in my hands. My hands are trembling, and I'm finding it hard to write this down. I'm nervous. I'm leaving these at your grave, so that they can be easily found. They were yours to begin with, anyways.

My heart is in this journal. My heart is yours now.

I'll see you really soon, Chloe. Love you.

- B


	68. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

"_You said move on, where do I go?" _

Ask most people, and they'll tell you that love is the most powerful feeling in this world. They'll tell you how it can take over your entire body and soul, leaving you vulnerable to the pain it so inevitably brings with it. It takes away all common sense and makes you do the most ridiculous and stupid things, without a care in the world.

That's what they said to themselves.

When Aubrey stumbled upon Beca's lifeless form, on Chloe's bed, wearing Chloe's old clothes, it was the only explanation.

It had all been in the name of love.

She had called the paramedics, already painfully aware that it was too late. She was gone. They had lost yet another friend. That's why they found themselves sobbing into each other, slowly healing wounds being torn apart.

Beca stared down at them, a sad half-smile on her lips. She watched as her body was removed from the apartment. Watched as the girls dropped to their knees, crying their poor hearts out. She wanted to reach out and comfort them, but found it to be impossible.

They blamed themselves. They said they should have been there for her more in the first states of her grief, only leading her to stare at them in frustration. She was happy. She wanted them to be happy for her.

She felt a hand pulling ever so gently at her shoulder, making her head turn. She was met with soft, blue eyes, moving, blinking, alive. She smiled at the girl before her, the other's smile widening noticeably. Tears brimmed at their eyes as they watched their best friends grieve for them. The best friends they'd hurt so bad in their fight for love.

"Are you ready?"

It was Chloe who asked, regaining Beca's attention. Beca nodded mutely, interlacing their fingers. Chloe smiled softly and led her towards the light before them.

"Chloe?"

Chloe stopped, turning back to Beca.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Becs."

So the two walked off into the light, holding hands and humming along to the tune of the angels calling their names. Beca turned her head and looked at the girl she had loved for so long, the girl she had caused so much pain in their previous lives.

Now they had a new life, one they could spend together. There was no end in sight.


	69. Chloe's Note

**Dear Beca.**

I was going to write something short, something that would just get straight to the point. But then again, I've never really been good at saying what I wanted to say. So that plan failed completely. It's probably because there's so many things I want to, need to, tell you. There's so many things I've left unsaid, and this is my last chance to say them. By the time you're reading this, you will probably already have found me, and you're probably all alone in our flat at this moment.

Most importantly, I wanted to let you know that I'm really sorry.

I never wanted to leave you, never. How can a person just get up and leave the person they are completely, utterly in love with? You read right, Becs. I love you so much, you oblivious, little gnome. I've loved you for as long as I can remember, and it's been eating away at my soul for just as long. By now I'm just an empty shell, burning with love and passion for someone so painfully oblivious. Not that it's your fault. Promise me, Beca, that you will never, ever, blame yourself. Promise me. You were the only reason I stayed for so long. You made me hope for a brighter future. Yet a glimmer of hope can only last for so long before it completely disappears. Soon enough, I was left in darkness.

I don't want to say goodbye yet, even if you've already said goodbye to me. I'm not ready to end this note. I can't stop until you know just how much I love you.

Do you know what I love the most about you? You might think it's your laughter or your passion for the things you love. Maybe you'd even think it's your complete overuse of sarcasm. No, it's none of those things, even though I love those things a whole lot too. What I love most about you is that little genuine smile I've only ever seen directed at me. When I'd tell you how much I loved one of your mixes, or when I'd cuddle as far into you as I could to get you to stop working on your laptop. It pains me so much that I'll never be able to see your face and hear you voice again. Maybe I'll never be able to see or hear anything.

Promise me one more thing, alright Becs? Promise me you won't stop making music. And keep hanging out with the girls. You're going to need them, and they'll need you. I know it'll be hard, but I also know that you're strong enough. You've always been so strong. I feel so selfish, leaving you guys behind. I sincerely apologize for any pain I'll cause you… or already have caused.

Tell the girls I love them, please?

Back to business though.

Another thing I love about you is how, no matter how hard you try to hide it, you're such a softy. I don't think you've ever turned me down when I've asked to cuddle. You've never pushed me away when I've attacked you with sneak hugs. You've always just smiled, even though you always try not to. I love your smile so much. God, never stop smiling, Beca.

Maybe that's why you were always the first person I turned to when I was feeling down. You've never turned me down. That means a lot to me. You'd always try to make things better, and would stay by my side until you were convinced I was alright. That's another thing I love; your persistence. Some might say you're stubborn, but I just think you care a lot.

I'm going to miss everything about you, you know. Like how you'd sometimes go days without changing out of your sweatpants, claiming it to be your newest science project. I'll miss how you'd always step out of your bedroom with horrible bedhead, grumbling at me if I took too long in the bathroom. I loved it nonetheless, because it's a part of you, and every part of you deserves to be loved.

I'll miss how we'd cuddle on the couch when watching TV or simply just talking. We could always talk for hours on end. You're my best friend, you know that, right?

I know this note is all over the place, and I'm sorry. I guess my brain is just a mess right now. I'm so frightened. I wish I could just run to you right now, Becs, and tell you everything. I wish I could run to you and hear you say the words I so ache for you to say. I want you to tell me not to do this, tell me that I can't leave you behind. But that's not something I can do to you. I can't put this burden on your shoulders. I know that if you knew, you'd do anything in your power to keep me here, but I won't force you to do anything you don't want to.

I guess I should tell you exactly why I'm leaving, since I don't want there to be any questions about it. It's so difficult to describe though. I can't describe the feeling of my heart slowly dying in my chest, can't explain the hurt I feel all throughout my body. I guess it started when you kissed Jesse at the ICCA's, making the two of you official. I swear at that moment, I started to slowly lose hope that I'd ever be yours. Jesse helped me realize how ridiculous my feelings for you were, so I guess I should thank him for that. Then again, he is partly the reason I'm leaving. I like him, but at the same time I really, really don't.

Do you know what it feels like to watch the person you love, love someone else? It's hell. It's torture, Becs. Every time he comes around it's like a kick to the chest and a punch in the face. It's not that I don't like him, he's a great guy, and I'm glad that you're letting someone love you like that. It's quite possible that it's just jealousy speaking, but I feel as if I could treat you better. I've always been here for you, through good and bad.

I think what I'm trying to say is that he doesn't love you like you deserve to be loved, like you think he loves you. It hurts to see. I see the way you look at him, I can see that you love him. He loves you too, I'm sure, but as I said, not as much as he should.

As for me, I love you so much it's quite literally killing me.

God, this sounds so selfish, doesn't it? That's the last thing I wanted. I'm actually really happy for you. I just wish that someday you'll realize that he is not right for you. Maybe one day you'll find out that you loved me too. One can dream, right? I just can't sit any longer, watching you love him as I'm pushed into the shadows.

Did I already tell you to tell the girls how much I love them?

Make sure that Amy keeps her head high. You know how she is, she pushes her own feelings aside to take care of others. Tell her I'll miss her jokes and her laugh. Tell her to keep being Amy; she's the most carefree girl I've ever met. Tell her I'll miss how you could hear her coming before you could see her. Tell her to keep being Australian too, even if that's probably impossible to change.

As for Cynthia Rose, she's always had her head on pretty tight. I know she won't lose herself too much, and I'm glad. I hope none of you lose yourself, but I know she'll be there to round you up if things get a little too hectic. I've always imagined her ability to stay strong during tough times. Oh, and tell her to stop pining after Stacie.

Finally, Aubrey. Make sure she takes care of herself. I love her so much, and she's always meant the world to me. She might lose her cool a couple of times. Don't blame her if she gets a little crazy. You're going to need each other, Becs, so I want you to take good care of her. And don't show her this note, it might destroy her.

Just… tell them I love them, alright?

And then there's you, Rebecca 'Beca' Mitchell. The name puts a smile on my lips, even as it stings my heart. There's so many images of you in my mind right now, Becs. It hurts to know that you'll probably take this the hardest out of everyone. I hate to be the one to hurt you.

Though I'm going to be gone soon, I want you to know that I've never left you, alright Becs? I will NEVER leave you. I made that promise long ago, and I promise I will stick to it.

Whenever you need me, I'll be there, Becs. I'll be waiting for you here, too. Waiting for when you'll finally join me. I hope that's a long time from now, you deserve a long, happy life. It doesn't matter, really, because I'll be here whenever you decide it's your time to go. As for me… this is my time to go.

You're probably going to wake up soon, which means I have to hurry things up a bit. I'm sitting on the bathroom floor right now, shivering in nothing but my underwear as I write this note. I'm sorry for the tear stains. I never meant for there to be any evidence of my sadness. I have the bottle of pills in my other hand.

I have no desire to explain the process I'll be going through in a minute, but I just want you to know that I won't be going painfully. It won't hurt me. I have this large bottle of painkillers, and I'm going to be taking the entire thing. You can't die in pain if you're doing it with painkillers, right? Sorry, bad time to make a joke. Anyways, it's the most peaceful and clean method I could think of. I hope it's good enough.

I'm sure this note has gotten awfully long by now, yet there's just one last thing I want you to do for me. I know I've already asked you a lot, but it's important.

Please take care of my mom and my sister. They're going to need someone to be there for them, and I know they'd love for it to be you. You've always claimed they were like a second family, so it shouldn't be too much trouble.

I just took the whole bottle. The pills slid down surprisingly easily. Wow, sorry, I should not have written that. I did say I didn't want to tell you the entire process. I guess it won't hurt to tell you though.

My eyesight is getting fuzzy, and I'm beginning to feel very lightheaded. It's getting hard to keep sitting up. I'm scared, Becs. I know it was my decision, but I'm still so scared. I can feel my body growing numb, and I don't know if I'll be able to write much more.

I guess this is where I leave you. The note'll be in tucked between the pipes behind the toilet. You know that by now, though. Sorry, my mind is getting a bit woozy.

I love you, Becs. I love you so, so much. Don't you dare forget that. I'll see you later, right?

- Chloe


End file.
